The Domestic Lives of Emma and Regina Swan-Mills
by mageofpie
Summary: Follow the story of Emma Swan and Regina Mills through their especially dull lives in this collection of one shots. Established Swan Queen relationship. No real specific time frame or order. Pretty much a free for all that the author hopes will make at least one person giggle.
1. Apple Pie and Charcoal Stains

**Hopefully the first in a short series of one shots I have planned, pretty much all centered around Swan Queen and Swan-Mills Family shenanigans.**

**None of these are in any actual order or particular time frame, I just have a hunger for domestic as fuck fan fictions and I hope you guys are too because that's what your getting and you're gonna like it, damn you.**

**Anyway, here's the first one. I'll be updating these whenever I want because *disinterested raspberry noise* and yeah.**

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**Apple Pies and Charcoal Stains**

**Description: **Emma attempts to bake a pie for Regina before she comes home from work.

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Regina should have closed her front door and walked away as soon as she smelt burning the second she walked in. She should have closed it and walked all the way to The Rabbit Hole to try and forget about it and hope to whatever god may be out there that there wasn't too much damage done to her brand new granite worktops.

But alas, she didn't.

Instead, Regina took a deep breath through the nose and sighed it out again, dropping her bag on the table beside the door and going to inspect what Emma had managed to do this time.

There was no smoke; always a good sign, but the scent of burning pasty and apples was strong and didn't help ease the woman's nerves.

Flicking her hair out of her face in slowly growing irritation and rounding the corner into her kitchen, the sound of the queen's heels halted as she took in the sight before her.

All of the kitchen's windows were open to try and air out the room, like someone wanted to get rid of the burning smell as quickly as possible. Like the guilty occupant of the room hadn't expected her home so soon.

Emma, bless her, stood next to the oven in one of Regina's aprons(it said "Kiss the Cook" but the brunette had refused to wear it on the grounds that she looked ridiculous), holding what looked to be the remains of a pie in her oven mitt clad hands. Emma was currently staring at Regina with a look that looked similar to that of a deer in the headlights of an 18 wheeler. An 18 wheeler with flawless makeup and a collection of stiletto heeled shoes. The view would have been a lot more amusing to Regina if it wasn't being given to her under a layer of flour which only seemed to remind her of the reason _why _Emma was looking at her in such a way.

They both stared at each other, unable to think of anything to say.

Emma began glancing between Regina and the pie, or what was left of it, and slowly leaned forward to place it on the island with a muffled thud. She looked down, around the room, and swung her arms by her side still encased in the floral mitts.

"… you're home early." Was the tentative explanation.

Regina almost laughed but didn't want to seem too forgiving too early because what's the fun in that? Instead, she raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips, making a show of looking the sheepish savior up and down and then around the room.

"It was a slow office day. I thought I'd work from home the rest of the day. Apparently you can't be trusted home alone on your day off, can you, Miss Swan?" There wasn't any bite in her tone but Regina enjoyed toying with people so the smirk at the end of her sentence did it's job of riling Emma up.

The blonde rolled her eyes and tossed the oven mitts onto the counter behind her, walking around the island to stand in front of her wife with folded arms, "Here we go with the 'Miss Swan' again. I try to do something nice and this is how you repay me? Snide remarks and all? For god's sake, Gina, try to be a bit more grateful." Emma shot back, grinning as the brunette rolled her own eyes.

"Grateful that you nearly burnt down out kitchen?"

"Nooo," Emma said, elongating the word like she was talking to a child, "Grateful for me making you a delicious and nutritious apple pie for you to enjoy after your long, hard day at work, sweetums." She made a sweeping motion with her arm towards the blackened mound of pie and fluttered her eyelashes as if to say 'you're not actually mad at me, right? how could you be mad at this face?'.

Regina fought a smile and raised her eyebrow again.

Emma sighed and flopped her arms to her side, "_Okay_, I completely fucked the pie up, but c'mon! At least I tried, right? 'It's not the winning but the taking part that counts' or some shit like that, right?"

At receiving no response but folded arms and stern look, the blonde's half smile faltered and she began to look genuinely scared.

"Right?" She whimpered, causing Regina's mask to break and she quickly gathered the taller woman into her arms and muttered something along the lines of 'complete and utter idiot' into Emma's shoulder. Pulling away, Regina looked down to see that she too was now covered in flour and tutted, raising accusatory eyes to Emma's who simply chuckled nervously and broke away from the embrace, put on one of the oven mitts, and threw the lump of aluminium foil and burnt pastry into the trash.

"How did you even get this far without causing yourself any serious injury?" Regina questioned, wandering over to her now destroyed oven and sighing. They had been planning on getting a new one anyway but she felt the appliance deserved a better send off than death by apple pie.

The oven's temperature dial had been turned all the way up, it seemed and the dark woman raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything more.

"Well, I was following one of your cook books and by the time I'd actually made it and put everything together I was already annoyed because everything was really specific and I couldn't make a good looking pattern on the crust," Emma pouted and folded her arms again, leaning against the counter, "So I saw the cooking time was like, 45 minutes and I didn't want to wait that long in case you came home early… which I guess you did… so I kinda cranked up the heat and then… forgot about it?"

"You're asking me?"

"Well, I, uh, got distracted watching TV…"

"Mmhmm."

"And then I, uh, well… I remembered and then came to check on it and when I opened the oven all this black smoke started billowing out and I pretty much shat myself and started opening all the windows and spraying Febreze everywhere which didn't work and… well, here we are." Emma finished and gestured to the both of them.

"Here we are."

They were both silent again before Regina pushed herself off the island and pecked Emma on the cheek, getting more flour on her own face.

The older woman turned and began walking towards the door leaving a confused Emma behind her before calling out.

"Clean it up."

The responding groan had Regina giggling up the stairs.

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**P.S. Anyone who's wondering when I'm going to update my dark!Elsanna fic is going to be disappointed when I say that that fic is on hiatus until I get the motivation and interest back to carry on. I'm sorry :( I was really excited to do it in the beginning but I kinda lost steam and now I'm worried that it's just gonna be left unfinished in my documents but I'm hoping to get it done AT LEAST before I finish college.**

**So yeah.**

**Catch you on the flip side, yo.**

**Mage**


	2. Documented Error

**Documented Error**

**Description: **Henry convinces Emma to help him prank an unsuspecting Regina.

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Emma sat at the counter of Granny's, absently stirring the whipped cream into her hot chocolate whilst tapping furiously on her phone with the other hand in an attempt to beat her best score on Timberman. She sighed as the pixelated figure hit a branch and promptly ended her game.

_Two away from the high score._

Emma sighed and tucked the device back into her jacket pocket.

_Figures._

Bringing her cooled drink up to her lips, nearly poking herself in the eye with the spoon she had forgotten to take out of the mug, Emma sipped the creamy chocolate and simply relished in the immediate warming effect it had on her. She was on an early lunch break after gruelling over police reports she had neglected to do the night before and felt like a well-deserved break was in order.

Apparently, saying that Leroy was "drunk off his tits" in a report for a rather nasty bar fight was deemed inappropriate by Regina and Emma was forced to rewrite the whole thing. _Then _one of the Mayor's advisers had made it a point to have someone look through all previous police reports Emma had written, the few that there were, and point out all of the mistakes in those as well. Needless to say, the Sheriff had had a busy morning.

_Never liked that asshole anyway…_

Regina had given her an apologetic look and shrugged at the look of disbelief Emma had shot her when he had said that but seemed to be hiding a tell-tale smirk of amusement at the blonde's plight.

"_Ma!_"

Letting out a yelp of terror as she was ripped from her thoughts with a shake of the arm, Emma lurched back from the sudden noise and nearly sloshed her drink over herself and the counter.

"Jesus fucking _Christ_, Henry!" Emma gently put the mug of hot chocolate down before staring accusingly at the teenager who simply rolled his eyes and plopped down in the seat next to her.

"I've called you like, 3 times already. You were out of it. Not my fault." He dismissed, waving his hand. Emma pouted but accepted Henry's excuse for interrupting her daydreaming.

"Not that I don't enjoy spending time with you, kid, but what's the occasion?" Emma could tell the boy wanted something as she took note of his body language. Henry quickly asked Ruby for a hot chocolate of his own before jerking a hand towards his heart and gaping at his birth mother in mock hurt.

"Why do I have to have an excuse for hanging out with you?"

"Because it's Saturday and you're normally at home drowning yourself in soda and Cheetos whilst playing Dead Space which means that you've actually gotten dressed and stepped outside the house when you didn't need to. You want something. What is it?" Emma felt accomplished in her deduction skills and snickered when Henry let out a dramatic sigh and leaned his head back.

"Fine. You got me. I want your help with something." He admitted, thanking Ruby when she lay another mug of steaming drink in front of him.

"If it's math homework again you can forget it."

"It's not homework. I've got that covered."

"Then what is it?"

"I want you to help me prank my mom."

Emma raised a skeptical eyebrow and pursed her lips.

"Wait, just hear me out, okay? It's not gonna hurt her or you know, mentally scar her in any way. But it will annoy her." Henry quickly remedied the doubts that seemed to flicker across the woman's face and took a sip of his drink. Emma raised both eyebrows now and thought about answering for a second.

"What do you plan to do anyway?" She asked cautiously. Emma knew Henry had just said it wouldn't be physically or mentally scarring but things could always go wrong depending on what his plan actually was.

The grin that spread across the teenager's face did nothing to ease these worries. Henry looked around them like someone would be listening in and leaned towards his birth mother, cupping a hand around her ear and whispering his plan. As she listened, Emma's face split into a grin and she let out at chuckle, shaking her head slightly at her son.

"Well, that's very creative of you."

"So, are you in?"

Emma rolled her eyes and ruffled Henry's hair who groaned and tried to brush it back into place with his fingers.

"Sure thing, kid. What is it you want me to do, anyway?"

Henry grinned and pulled out his phone, opening the screen up to a series of notes at which Emma raised any eyebrow at his meticulous planning.

_Can see where he gets that from. Nurture beats nature once again._

"Okay, so," Henry continued, "All you have to do is distract her while I sneak into her office and do what I've gotta do. I was thinking that you could like, call her up and invite her to eat lunch here with you or something so she actually leaves and I don't have to worry about getting caught as quickly, yeah?"

She nodded, "Yeah, I get you. But I already had lunch. 5 minutes ago."

Henry gave her an incredulous look, "But you could eat again?"

"Kid, I can _always _eat again."

Henry grinned and put his phone back in his pocket, chugging the rest of his hot chocolate, "Awesome. I'll text you when I get there, then you call her over here, I'll do my thing, and then I'll text you again when I'm finished so you know it's safe to send her back."

Emma rolled her eyes, "Alright, alright, I get it. Get a move on."

As Henry ran out to door to the diner, Emma finished off her drink and paid for both of their drinks before moving from the counter to a booth.

"Rubes! Hey, hey, Ruby! C'mere a second." She called over the waitress who sat on the seat opposite her and raised an eyebrow.

"What's up?"

"Listen, me and Henry are planning on-"

"Pranking Regina, I know."

Emma cocked her head to the side and Ruby chuckled, tapping the side of her head, "Werewolf hearing, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah. Right."

"Don't worry, I won't blow your cover."

Emma grinned and nodded appreciably as the other woman got up to serve the other diner patrons before Granny yelled at her again, "Thanks, Rubes."

"No problem. Good luck with whatever you two have planned and may god have mercy on your souls."

The blonde rolled her eyes and felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. As she thought, Henry had text her a confirmation that he had gotten to the town hall and was now waiting for Emma to do her part. With a sigh, Emma pulled up her contacts and scrolled to Regina's number, pressing the 'Call' button while biting her lip.

_Do or die time, Swan. Do or die._

"Hey, Regina? I was just- yeah, yeah, I'm fine, babe. Listen, I was just calling to ask if you wanted to have lunch with me at Granny's today." Part of Emma was slightly guilty about tricking her wife like this but it was quickly cancelled out by the thought that what Henry was about to do in Regina's office wasn't that bad.

She grinned as a confirmation met her ears, "Awesome. Our normal booth? Right, okay, meet you there. Love you, too. See you in a few."

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Emma's shift had just ended and she had passed the night shift over to Ruby who shook her head sorrowfully and patted Emma's shoulder in mock comfort. Emma laughed her off and bid her friend a good night but couldn't help feel a little worried.

The whole plan had gone off without a hitch, according to Henry. Her and Regina had their lunch and talked about their days so far, Emma mentioning that her work load had now been narrowed down to a reasonable size while the brunette laughed at her. Henry had text her just after they had finished the last of their meals and gave her the all clear and after a kiss goodbye and a quick text back to Henry, it was done.

She had gotten no confused or angry text from Regina and neither had Henry apparently since she had asked when she got home and found out that his other mother hadn't returned from work yet.

So now both her and Henry were sat on kitchen stools, awaiting the return of Regina while twiddling their thumbs in wait.

After a while, the familiar purr of a Mercedes engine was heard outside quickly followed by it shutting off and the sound of the front door opening and closing.

Emma looked over to her son and mouthed "Act natural."

The clicking of heels stopped at the kitchen door and both other occupants of the room tried to avoid eye contact with the surprisingly calm woman that had joined them.

Regina casually placed her briefcase on the kitchen island and her coat on the back of one of the stools opposite Emma and Henry who continued to look anywhere but her. The shorter woman sat down in the stool she had rested her coat on and arched her fingers on the table.

The silence stretched.

"So…" Regina stated causing both Emma and Henry to jump and finally turn their attention to her. The mayor looked them both over and quirked an eyebrow, "Which one of you smartasses changed all my documents to Wingdings?"

Emma looked over at Henry, who looked over at her, who both looked back to Regina. Emma was the first to laugh, her forced expression of indifference crumbling into a cheek splitting smile. Henry soon followed.

"Oh, oh, god," Emma wheezed, laying her head on the table and thumping her fist on it, "I'm sorry, but I thought you were gonna beat the crud out of us just now." Her voice came out squeaky from the laughter and the blonde tried to cover her mouth and stop the snorts escaping her nose.

Henry wasn't doing much better. He seemed to be unable to speak from laughing so hard. He clutched at his sides and Emma noticed how red his face was getting from silent laughter, only a few high pitched breaths sounding every time he tried to draw breath, "Ow, ow, ow, oh man, I'm getting a stitch, oh _man_."

Emma looked back to Regina who was pouting and furrowing her eyebrows in an attempt to look the least bit threatening, "It's not funny."

"It kind of is, mom." Snorted Henry, who seemed to be gaining control of his voice again.

The brunette's mouth twitched as she fought a smile, "_No, _it's _not_. Do you know how long it took to change them all back?"

Henry rolled his eyes and wiped away the few tears that had leaked out of his eyes, "Mom, please, all you had to do it highlight everything and change it back."

Emma, who had also managed to calm herself down somewhat, grinned as Regina managed a small smile but still folded her arms with all the petulance of a small child, "Well, yes, but that's not the point. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw them. I hope you two are proud of yourselves."

"Hell yeah, we are." Henry held his fist up and Emma bumped it with her own while they both giggled at each other. Regina stood from her chair and walked around to kiss Emma on the cheek and Henry on the forehead.

"Enjoy it while it lasts, you two. I'll get you back someday."

At that they both shut up and moved to help Regina prepare dinner.

For all the fear Regina's lingering threat brought, it was still worth it.

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**Oh, wow, would you look at that, I actually wrote something.**

**I thought this was a cute idea so obviously I had to write it down along with all the other shitty ideas on my list. I actually wrote the second part of this in like, half a hour so it's probably seems really rushed and crud but I was having one of those moments when I couldn't stop writing and had to get it all down before the moment passed.**

**You get me?**

**Anyway, don't know when the next one will be out since college is starting back up in a few days and I obviously won't have time for shit, so yeah. I'd also like to thank you guys for the favorites and follows this has gotten. I never thought my dumb one shots would ever get any attention at all, so thank you.**

**Mage**


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